FML

You know those times when you literally have nothing to say?

This is one of those times.

FML.

Jessica Simpson,
xoxo.

Back To The Future

Is blogging the way of the future?

So many people blog. It could just be to bitch and rant to unsuspecting, innocent minds and force opinions on them or something useful like what's in and what's hot. My awesomely sexy friend Gaia has just recently dabbled into the dark world that is blogging. You can visit her blog here. Every motivation is different but most aim to do the same thing; voice your opinions. I think that freedom of speech is the most important thing in this world, whether it be on a soapbox at university or via blog. So is blogging like the new "writing into the editor"? Except this way there are no constraints on what you want to say? On one hand, this is a bit troubling. Should everyone be able to voice their opinions? What if their opinions are of a rude or racist nature for example? On the other hand, with editors, this may be edited out however it depends on what mode you go through. Your racist rants aren't going to be edited out on 2GB. This dilemma is inevitable in the capitalist society we live in today and it will continue on into the future.

Unless we all turn into robots.

But there are bound to be some malfunctions there.

From a crazy weirdo who dabbles into a serious issue once in a while,

George Bush,
xoxo

The Return Of Bruno Was Too Soon.

So Return Of Bruno is a really good album. Haha, I kid. It's Bruce Willis' album. Don't buy it. He's an awesome actor and all round sexy old dude, but singing? Don't fuck it up, man. He's an Old Gold.

Old Gold
adj. A rich, hot, old man.
noun. Makers of the best dark chocolate.

Ok so I'm converting a whole bunch of movies and tv shows so I can watch them on my iPhone which hasn't arrived yet and now my computer is lagging like a bitch with no crack coming home from a crazy party in California.

California. Knows how to party.

It seems I haven't blogged in a while. This happens a lot and it's not really that I'm busy it's more that I'm lazy and I'm usually watching American Dad, Arrested Development or simply baking a cake. So while I discuss with Alice how I want to be the Cookie Monster (COOOKIEEE!!! OM NOM NOM NOM) I will think about what to write....

HMMM...

Ok I had no thinking music so this may not be the best train of thought. Lisa needs braces! Dental plan. Lisa needs braces! Dental plan. Damn it, wrong train of thought.

Ok so I was watching Bewitched today. Such a great show I really love it HOWEVER I came across a predicament. Should I laugh? You see, dear minions, we are living in the 00's and Bewitched was made/set in what, the 60's? So obviously, there would be some cultural differences. The ones I'm referring to are the sexist ones. Now in this episode, Samantha's neighbour Gladys Kravitz catches her cleaning the house using her nose fuelled powers so Sam covers it up by telling her that Gladys gained the ability of telekinesis. I guess we're meant to think that a woman will believe any old piece of crap you'll feed her. Then her husband gets really annoyed because she's concentrating on using her "power" and not cooking any food. The laughter track was really apparent at that point and I felt a bit awkward. Sure Abner Kravitz made it sound a bit funny, being all "I never thought I'd beg to eat her cooking". It's kind of weird when you watch something so old and everything that was normal to them, like Samantha having to pick up the phone and the dudes don't even bat an eyelash. Or the sexual jokes. Like I didn't know they even had sex back in the 60's.

So much has changed but then again some has stayed the same. This is still hilarious no matter what the decade:

Samantha: [To Abner] You'd better go home.
Abner: What is it?
Samantha: She thinks she's getting vibrations.
Abner: Vibrations? She's chewing on the electric blanket again!

That is TFG.

TFG:
adj. Too fucking good.

Here are some more funny things.

FFS
For Fuck's Sake
e.g. OMG why are you alive FFS!

STFU
Shut The Fuck Up
e.g. STFU FFS!

TLA
Total Loneliness Annihilation
e.g. When people see these abbreviations they'll get TLA
ffs stfu

TWS
That Was Shit
e.g. Hey I got a joke right yeah chezzin yeh bro
TWS FFS!!

TF
Too Far
e.g. Dad died yesterday I'm sorry... JKS!
TF ffs!

TMK
Total Mood Killer
e.g. Just found out I have a penis TMK!
Omg srs black is my dad TMK!

KAFM
Kickarse FM
e.g. God my periods are so KAFM!

Hammy and Undies
Hamish And Andy
e.g. Did you listen to Hammy and Undies? They are so kewl lub!

RSN
Random Shit Now
e.g. Just doing random shit now aye yeah aye aye chez

Whatchda doing?
nm, just rsn hbu?

Srs Black
Sirius Black
e.g. U srs? U lyk Srs Black? EXPELIAMUS!

TFG
Too Fucking Good
e.g. OMG I have AIDS TFG!!

IRL
In Real Life
e.g. In real life I have no friends

TMA
Too Many Abbreviations
e.g. omg icfbi irl I have TMA syndrome hbu? nm k

HS
Holy Shit
e.g. Holy Shit Pile, Jesus!

SFC
So Freaking Confused
e.g. hs sgf b o n f irl OMG SFC!! (Holy shit, she got fat because of no friends in real life)

Chool
How Cool
e.g. My paintings got sold!
CHOOL!

Srs
Serious?
e.g. Srs? You think I ish fat?

Ish
Is
e.g. Ish kewl, lub lub

Srsly Chezzin
Seriously Bitching
e.g. Woah that is srsly chezzin
Did you see that fat whore? What a chez aye yeah chat aye chezzin!!

SMD
Suck My Dick
e.g much love but smd bitch

Ta ta for now, not forever! But maybe for a substantial period of time, who knows?

Nicholas Cage,
xoxo

Rage Against The Machine

Something I submitted to my uni publication.

Ever wonder how much time you really spend in front of the computer? Have you lost all your friends playing WOW? Or have you simply forgotten what daylight looks like? Is our desire to keep in touch ultimately leading to the loss in the human touch? Are we wasting our life away in front of the computer screen? Is Google overtaking over the world? And, seriously, is everything we put online forever in the cyberspace ether, even once we press DELETE?

As I write this on my laptop that I have been staring at for about 6 hours now, I realise the irony of this piece. I’m bitching and ranting about how “real life” communication is disappearing into the fog that is the interwebs. Why is it that Generation Y is so obsessed with everything to do with technology? All plans are made via Facebook; if you don’t have one... a) what is wrong with you, seriously?! and b) you pretty much won’t get invited anywhere. As I type this I am simultaneously updating my Twitter and stalking people on Facebook. Let’s face it, that’s the main use of social networking sites. Poking and sending drinks are so 2007. Not to mention borderline harassment. The simple truth is that the internet is just a reflection of what is going on IRL (in real life).

You might be thinking “The internet is the end of all human contact”. They said that the telephone would end all face to face contact too. The reality is the introduction of a new media form doesn’t replace another, they both co-exist. (Thanks MAS105). Nowadays most everything is done on the internet. It is our everyday life and society on a computer. We talk via email. We see each other via Skype. We buy our groceries and shop online. The racists have their own forums in which to be abusive in the seedy underbelly of the internet. Some of us even speak in abbreviations used on Facebook and MSN. I know I do. I’m not afraid to admit it ROFL. We even show our personality through Living Social on Facebook where we express our Top 5 Movies Of All Time and our status updates. If you update your status every 10 minutes, people will know you’re a tool. Especially when they’re mediocre updates such as “I’m eating a sandwich”. People will tell me “I’m eating a sandwich is much better than Flava Flav and Public Enemy lyrics” as my friend just did over MSN. WTF? I beg to differ. Not only is Flava Flav totally radical but I could totally block and report you on MSN if you abuse me any further. TTYL!

Since Generation Y is probably the most avid users of the internet, I think it’s safe to say our generation is getting lazier and stupider. Even on Channel 10’s “Talking ‘Bout Your Generation”, Generation Y gets most of the questions wrong. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU JOSH THOMAS?! We have everything at our fingertips, all types of information at our disposal and most things are done for us. You don’t want to know how we’d survive in a blackout. The computer is the tool to get everything done and without we’re nothing. I feel like a Generation X in a Y body sometimes. I still use typewriters, I handwrite essays and I read books. Since all the information we’ll ever need for our essays is found on the internet, we don’t even use encyclopaedias for primary research like in the good old days. Some of us don’t even use books at all, masking our academic incompetence with Google Books and Google Scholar.

The internet reflects society and culture. Sexism even exists on Google. If you’ve ever typed in “She invented” you’d know that you used to get “Did you mean: He invented?” No Google. I did not mean he invented you sexist hunk of junk! The internet may be great for stalking but it’s making it easier for criminals to steal your money and fake identities. You’ve seen them on MySpace. BTW anyone who still has a MySpace is so 2006. I realise that the saying “That is so [insert date or time span here]” is very 1990s. I miss the 90s.

Maybe this is a strength for Generation Y. We seem to be relatively incapable of reality but we don’t really mind. We take it in our stride and we do things for the moment, not the future. Hey, you could say that would be the downfall for Generation Y but I don’t think so. In a way it is resilience and we bounce back pretty quickly. We bounced back from that horrible Emo/MySpace phase thank Jebus for that. Generation Y has great things to show for ourselves but in a crummy world full of typos and spelling errors is that really teh best we can do?

Word of the day:

Urgghll moments.

Urgghll adj. the loosening of one’s collar when nervous, emitting an urgghll [err-ugh-ll] noise. Seen in The Simpsons and the hilarity that is the TVS comedy trio The Shambles.

If you didn’t understand that excellent definition, examples are the best way to illustrate the meaning of a word.

Example #1: When the Aboriginal community called for tourists to stop climbing Uluru as it is disrespectful of people to walk all over it due to its spiritual significance, the Australian government was happy to ignore them because it is a tourist attraction. Perhaps that is a valid point since the last 3 Tourism Australia advertisements have been utter crap (this includes Australia the movie, minus Hugh Jackman’s shirtless scene). If someone was to climb the Sistine Chapel for instance this would be disallowed and probably result in incarceration. Bit of an urgghll moment for the Australian government there.

Example #2: When the Bali Bombers were to be executed for the murder of 88 Australians the Australian government couldn’t be happier to support the exercise of the death sentence. Our hypocritical government doesn’t believe the death sentence should be allowed in our country but when it comes to a third world state then it’s perfectly fine. They had a bit of an urgghll moment when the Bali government stated that “our” Schappelle Corby and the Bali 9 should receive the same treatment, expressing their hatred for the death penalty in other countries. However, the government did nothing to stop the execution of Van Nguyen in Singapore. Hmm, could it be that the Singaporean government owns several investment companies, which have invested in Australia? Urgghll!

Example #3: Enough of the political examples!” I hear you cry. I say “suck it up”. The recent plans to rebuild “The Block” in Redfern for the Aboriginal community have Nathan Rees and the NSW Labor government reaching for the collar and going urgghll; it will cost $60 Million dollars. Now if my calculations are correct, $60 Million is less than $4 Billion. $4 Billion is what the government is spending on digital TV, because we all really want to watch Parliament in HDTV. If you’re going “Oh well fair enough, they’re going to switch off the analog signals so we have to have HDTV”, then maybe $34 Billion the government collects in tax which ultimately goes towards making our MP’s and Prime Minister more comfortable. Fair shake of the sauce bottle, mate. No one wants to foot the bill for the Aboriginal community and I reckon they’re copping a bit of flack. Where’s Today Tonight when you need them to go on and on about Aussies getting a fair go? Urgghll.

Example #4: Julie wins Masterchef. Urgghll!

So You Want To Save A Kid?

-

The new trend these days is to sponsor a child. Well you might want to rethink that. Child sponsorship is just another a sector of cultural imperialism. What's easier than a Western economically stable individual throwing some money at an organisation which usually only 70% of the profits go to the children (even then that 70% has to be used for transport etc) and then sitting back in their nice houses feeling good about themselves for "helping" the lesser community? Just because there's a kid on your fridge doesn't mean that you've done a lot for the world. There has always been an underlying sense of cultural imperialism in everything the Western world does. Even when they are trying to help others, it comes up to bite you in the arse.

When you sponsor a child, it is very likely that by focusing on an individual, aid agencies arbitrarily single out children or families for preferential treatment. These chosen few may receive extra food, education, clothes, medical treatment and gifts which others do not. Brothers, sisters or other families become jealous and parents can feel humiliated because outsiders are providing things which they cannot - or frustrated that only one of their children receives help.

The way in which a child or family is chosen for sponsorship may reflect the political orientation of the aid agency involved rather than the needs of the child. In order for a child to qualify its parents may have to cease certain forms of political or religious activity - or the child may be pressured to take up activities like reading the Bible. This conditional giving violates the rights of the child to choose its own beliefs.

The sponsored child is constantly reminded that they are the 'poor relative'. They must always be prepared to show gratitude to the 'rich cousins' on whose charity they depend. The best aid projects foster initiative and enterprise in those they help. Sponsorship programmes always run the risk of fostering dependence.

The exchange between child and sponsor can be culturally insensitive to the child's way of life. Children may know nothing about Christmas, for example, but find themselves encouraged to send Christmas cards. Imagine you were a Christian and a wealthy Arab sponsored your child and sent them presents and pictures of their sumptuous lifestyle along with a copy of the Koran to read.

Sponsorship schemes claim to offer cultural interchange between donor and child. This is generally very limited as the letters from child to sponsor are usually censored to remove requests for money, complaints from disillusioned families and all mention of politics. Professional letter-writers and translators are sometimes used to handle the correspondence - or staff may dictate letters to children according to a sample provided in a manual - this is what World Vision does. The donor finds out little about the child or its culture.

Programmes which give education to individual children can isolate them from family and friends. They are educated to uselessness, unable to obtain well-paid white-collar work in their own towns or village and unwilling to do low paid 'menial' labour. As adults they either remain at home dissatisfied, or take their skills further afield, away from the community that needs them.

Child sponsorship programmes can create unfulfillable desires and expectations. A child who learns of a sponsor's large house and reads about their skiing holidays or big cars can become dissatisfied with his or her own community and want to be taken away to that affluent world.

Child sponsorship programmes are enormously expensive to administer. The letters, photos and reports prepared for sponsors are costly and time-consuming. It is sad that so much must be spent for the benefit of the donor rather than the child.

Child sponsorship advertisements distort our image of the Third World and perpetuate many negative stereotypes. Children are depicted in deprivation and degradation, as passive victims whose parents are unable to cope. All we see usually is one poor helpless child or family; we are never offered explanations of the causes of their poverty.

It's really unfortunate that there is no "easy" solution for this problem. If we were all rich then we could just hop on the next plane to South Africa and save 5 month old babies from being raped because of the myth that if you have sex with a virgin, it will cure HIV and the younger the virgin, the more successful you will be. If only there was some way we could get it through the rich and the useless...


...that instead of buying $50 000 dollar watches, you could've saved half a community.

Thank God we have people like Flavor Flav from Public Enemy to bring light to these issues in their songs.

Too bad he a bit crazy and freaky.

Some bitch on a power trip,
xoxo

Bad Guys Always Come Last

It makes me sad how the bad guys in movies always die at the end. I was watching Con Air last night - it was a pretty good movie. Had it all I reckon; comedy, action, pretty gross violence, lame/awesome one liners and a bit of a love story. It's their fault for making the mass murderers so loveable! I mean, they go through so much shit to get their plan together from prison and then manage to take over a whole plane of guards - it ought to be commended but no, they all get killed. It's not fair I'm so over good guys winning. This was an exceptional case though cos Nicholas Cage is pretty cool.

I made this last night. It's squid stuffed with anchovies, parsley breadcrumbs and garlic. It was pretty good but it's huge haha too much squid for me!


I made this prawn and Agnolotti thing for lunch you just need to fry some prawns in butter and sage and some mild chilli powder. Now for some product placement:


You cook these and then add them to the prawn mix. You can even add some egg noodles:


Then make a mix of grated parmisan, basil and oil. Mix it all together and EAT! San Remo.

Cake:
100 g Chocolate (dark is best)
100 g unsalted butter (or you can use 50g butter and half a cup of oil)
3 eggs, seperated
150 g caster sugar
50 g plain flour, sifted
50 g pistachio nuts, finely chopped to serve
Fresh raspberries to serve

Chocolate Ganache:
100 ml thickened cream
125 g chocolate, chopped

Rose Water Cream
100 ml cream
2 tbsp rose water (if you don't have rose water you can use vanilla essence)

Method:

• Preheat oven to 160 C
  
  
• Grease a medium sized square baking tray with butter. Sprinkle flour on the bottom (about 2 tablespoons) and cover the tray by shaking the flour around the bottom to cover the butter.
  
  
• Fill a saucepan with water, bring to the boil and place a glass bowl over the pan. In the bowl, melt the butter and chocolate together. When cool, mix in the flour.
  
  
• In a seperate bowl, whisk together the egg yolks and half the sugar.
  
  
• Beat the egg whites in a seperate bowl. When the eggs have soft peaks, beat in the remaining sugar.
  
  
• Mix the chocolate, butter and flour mixture into the egg yolk mixture, then fold in the egg whites.
  
  
• Pour the mixture into the baking tray. You can cover the top with baking paper to prevent a skin forming. Or do what I did and forget to cover it and then eat the yummy, crispy chocolate skin!
  
  
• Bake for 30 minutes.
  
  
• When cooked, place the tray into a deeper tray filled with water to keep the cake moist. Then turn it onto a cooling rack and let cool to room temperature.
  
  
• To make the chocolate ganache: bring the cream to a simmer and pour over the chocolate. Mix to combine. If the cream isn't warm enough to melt the chocolate, let the cream sit over the chocolate for a while. If it's being a stubborn motherfucker, just nuke it in the microwave for about 20 seconds. Make sure it's smooth in consistency.
  
  
• To make the rose water cream: whip the cream to soft peaks and then mix in the rose water.
  
  
• To serve, top the cake with the chocolate ganache, chopped pistachio nuts, the rose water cream and raspberries. The cake is pretty rich so it's not the best dessert for seconds! Just save your second piece for breakfast for the next morning, like I did!

Today I'll be making Creme Brulee so I will post that recipe tomorrow (depending if it turns out or not haha I've never made it before).

Hm this blog has become less of a rant about people I hate and more of a recipes I love.

Celebrity Death Prediction: Conan O'Brien
Method of Death: Flavor Flav

Till the next time, douchebags!

Matt "The Fat" Preston (the fat, decaying sexy guy from Masterchef)
xoxo

Swine Flu? Fuck You!

My bear like friend found this mildly funny thing on the interwebs today so I shall share it with you, one reader, because this blog is at best average.

Terrorist Threat levels

(for those who are tired of GFC, swine flu and global warming)

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),

New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

So yeah wasn't so funny. Speaking of Swine Flu, I know a lot of you (one reader) think about this so called epidemic. I know my delicious Amber (visit her sexy blog here) has encouraged you not to freak out about it (which is so true fellaz + gurls). My beef with it is a bit cynical. Is Swine Flu even a real flu? Cos I reckon it's really suss how the Australian Government encouraged us to stock up for 2 weeks with canned food at the same time where the $900 bonus was given out. Even the news stations stated that it would be "wise to spend the bonus" on this safety precaution. My response is "fuck the fuck off". Sif we'd ever get sucked into that shit. It's general knowledge that more people die every winter from the influenza flu and these "confirmed" patients of Swine Flu have never been discussed in detail or anything.

I think it's gotten way out of hand. People are freaking out about nothing. The flu is more deadly than this so called epidemic. Just be a normal person for fuck's sake. Wash your hands. Don't sneeze on people. It's common sense. Some of you don't have it. Download it from somewhere. You can blame this on the recession. Now I'm not that cynical/that much of an arse that I'd deny that exists. It bloody does. But it ain't as bad as everyone thinks. It pisses me off cos America is the one who started this. If they had the freaking sense that low income earners can't pay home loans for houses worth over $1 million then we wouldn't be in this mess. I reckon states should be more self-reliant. I know, Realists are the most annoying theorists you could think of right? They're right up there with Neo-Liberals. If we had looked after our own economy without depending on outer states then perhaps we wouldn't be in this shit pile. Oh well, what's done is done. Obama ain't gonna do much but whatevs we can only hope for the best...

P.s watched The View today. Wanted to die. That's also another show I do not recommend you watch.

Celebrity Death Prediction: David Letterman
Method of Death: Impaled by Sarah Palin

Till the next time cookies,

ASIO,
xoxo

Hot Jew? OXYMORON!

-
You may be thinking "Yes. Correct. A hot Jew is an oxymoron." I have indeed laid a very intricate trap for you readers. In fact, there is one hot Jew. Possibly more, I'm not entirely sure on the figures. So while I listen to Yves Klein Blue's "Polka", which is the best song to stalk to, I will show you this magnificent discovery. Off I go to Google his name. Ah so many pictures. Ok here is what I found first when I typed his name in. It is major lol.

Haha. It said "Jeff Braine At FFS" lolol. My two favourite things!

Ok so this is actually him. The hottest Jew ALIVE! Here's another one.


Ok done with the Jew spam.

Yet again, nothing to do. How about I keep you updated with the movie I'm watching? Yes. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Yes. You would. Or would you? Yes. Or would you? Yes. Well was going to watch this movie called "Surviving Style 5+" but that's only cos I thought it said "Survivng Style St" and I thought "woah cool movie" but it's actually some weird Asian shit and I'm not sure it's in English. Anyway, was boring. So then I decided "Hm should watch some Lock Stock then" but then my DVD of it didn't work and I could only hear the sound, not the video. PWND. So now I'm watching... "In Bruges". Unfortunately it has Colin Farrell in it. But it's also got Mad Eye Moody and Ralph Fiennes!! Voldemort!! Whoops, I meant VOLDEY!!! It's meant to be funny. Right now, it ain't. Every 2nd word is fuck so it'd be good for a drinking game.

I feel pressured to be funny. Like this movie. Zomg Colin just killed a priest! This is such a bad movie I really do not recommend you watch it.

Celebrity Death Prediction: Mel Gibson
Method of Death: His millions of children

Colin Farrell,
xoxo.

Sunday is Funday

So it's not even the 2nd week of the holidays and I'm already bored out of my brainz. So far I've seen about half of Season 1 of X Files, watched Season 1 of Skins again, watched all of Arrested Development again, played World of Warcraft (lol), drank about 4 bottles of different juices (5 Fruits, Orange & Mango, Apple, Apple Banana Mango and LOL Juice - yes there is such a thing), listened to the entire B.I.B.L.E album (Killah Priest, not Jesus) and watched all of Peep Show. On YouTube as well so now my net is capped like a motherfucker.

Sunday ain't funday I lied. Got nothing to do. JACK. SHIT.


That's what I got from Google-ing Jack Shit. Awesome right?!

I found Osama Bin Laden on Twitter. Possibly like one of the most funniest things ever. God is pretty funny too but that's overrated. I used to have God on FB too and it got OLD SO FAST.

Suffa from the Hilltop Hoods is the funniest dude in Hip Hop. Suffa's letter to the Oscars.

What kind of Star Wars character am I?

You mean there's a way I can find out?

How?

Tell me!

Don't you be fucking with me on this, I need to know.

This is important shit!!

TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry... I shouldn't have grabbed you... it's just... it's just that this means a lot to me. It's something I've always wanted to know. So how, nah man, I'm calmed down now, so how do I find out? I just click here? Cool and then I do this stupid quiz? Okay, is there a way it could waste more of my time? Oh really? I see, it's going to take a while.

Wow, it worked. It turns out I'm the kind of Star Wars character that thinks you're an idiot for thinking that I'd want to know what type of Star Wars character I am. It says it right here, see? It also says that I'm the kind of Star Wars character that hates those cute quizzes. It's amazing how much it knows about me.

I saw a thing on telly last night which is a baby name predictor. So what you do is you SMS the name of your partner and your name and it tells you the perfect name for your child should you have children. Now, unless it buzzes you back with the name, "Born Out Of Wedlock", it's wrong.

Can you imagine if that's how you were given your name?

"Well my name means Sunrise in Greek"
"Really? Mine means honesty, my parents chose it when they were visiting a temple in Nepal and this monk blessed my mother's stomach and nine months later I was born"
"That's so romantic, I love that story, what about you?"
"Me?"
"Yeah, what's the story behind your name?"
"My parents were hungover, watching Video Hits and this retarded ad came on, and because my parents are idiots they decided to text in and that's how I got my name"
"I'm sure..."
"No, it is... they are idiots"
"But they love you and that's the main thing"
"Love me? Do you think that two people who are using a text message service to choose a child's name are still together? Are you mental? They broke up before I was born."
"Well... I still think that you've got a nice name"
"What?"
"I was just say..."
"You like my name?"
"Yeah, we all do, don't we girls? It's unusual"
"Would you want my name?"
"What?"
"Would. You. Want. My. Name?"
"Well, I love my name"
"Just answer me, would you want my name? So you're no longer Julia... Just as I thought, and do you know why? Because Crazy Frog is a stupid-arse name, given to me by two idiots."

Anyway it's really annoying when kids wear band t-shirts when they don't know who they are or they just like the design. I remember seeing a girl at school ages ago who was like in year 9 and she was wearing a Ramones tshirt and I said "Oh cool, you like the Ramones. What's your favourite song?" and she said "Stairway to Heaven". I could've died/killed her.That's why there should be a quiz for anyone who wants to buy any iconic band t shirt. It should be a written and oral exam with a pass grade of 95%. Anything less will result in the compulsory purchase of Thirsty Merc tshirts, bottle opener and/or keyring. So next time you think about buying a Ramones or Sex Pistols tshirt you must know who exactly who the punk rocker on your shirt is, who is his girlfriend is and in 25 words or less, explain why it could be argued that he contributed nothing to Sex Pistols.

Celebrity Death Prediction: Heidi and Spencer Pratt
Method of Death: Crazy Frog

Yours truly,
Johnny Ramone/Sid Vicious/Jimmy Page
xoxo

You Can Look...

But Don't Touch!!

AH MAH GAWD! So The Clique is the best movie I have ever seen. Better than High School Musical! The Spanish one is the hottest!




Also, better than HSM is The Food Boy. Pastrami flying outta his hands what could be better?

Ok so got nothing to write about. Except this Bruce Willis Movie. Or should I say, "Bruce Willis" movie? Cos it has no fucking Brucey in it! The ads fully showed him in at LEAST two scenes and so far (like an hour into the movie) there's bit one scene for literally 2 seconds of the sex pot that is Willis. I'm so annoyed. I love Brucey. FUCK DENZEL WASHINGTON!

Hot asian girl lost her arm in this movie. Shame.
But I don't care cos there's no Bruce Willis.

None of this:

Or this


LOL @ "Text 'Dead' and 'your name' to this number to find out when you'll die... for example "Karl Dead" LOLOLOL too funny. These ads are so stupid.

FINALLY Bruce has appeared. He's quiet. Quiet and sexy. Just how I like them...

Wah haven't blogged in so long cos of stupid uni :( and now the holidays have arrived so get ready to get PWNED VIA BLOG!!

Celebrity Death Prediction: Denzel Washington
Method of Death: An Extreme Bruce Willis Fan

Till next time,

Taylor Swift
xoxo

We Won't Be Seventeen Forever THANK GOD

--

OMGZ so uni is almost starting. I can't imagine how little I will write in this blog after Uni starts cos right now I'm doing an entry every 2 months.

I was sending Valentine messages to my friends on Saturday and I always put x's on them for good friends. Sometimes maybe some xoxo's Gossip Girl stylez. The problem is that when I write messages to people who aren't really good friends I sometimes put x's which can lead to confusion.

Sexy confusion.

I was watching Skins yesterday. I'm officially obsessed with it. We can only hope that America doesn't get hold of it and try and make an American version of it. It'd be terrible. Just like Life On Mars and The Office. They were the worst re-makes I've ever seen. RE-MAKES SUCK!

Celebrity Death Prediction:
Celebrity: Chris Brown
Method Of Death: Killed by Rihanna's Granny

Jared Leto
xoxo

I'm Not Gonna Teach Him How To Dance With You

=

Happy Australia Day! You'd think that cos it's a public holiday I'd have a day off from bitching and ranting. You'd be wrong. Public holidays rool but work sucks. There's hardly anything on tv. I hate it when that happens. Like on Christmas day. There's always that stupid cartoon of that bloody Christmas Pudding. No one cares about it. The crap movies are crap too. Except for Surviving Christmas. The tag line says it all; "hilarious". So true!

Tv specials in general are crap. Like 20-1 even though that show is pretty good for relieving boredom. They've changed it to 10-1 now cos they can't think of anything else to do. I mean you can't get more ideas when you've milked things to death already. Top 20 blunders? Greatest Inventions? Bert Newton isn't one of them.

Celebrity Death Prediction:
Celebrity: Lara Bingle
Method Of Death: Run over by her own Aston Martin

Miley Cyrus
xoxo

It's Your Time To Shine, 2009

And gosh darn it you better shine real good.

So this is the time for New Years Resolutions that never actually happen. Today all the people who pledged to themselves, others who don't care or pretty much anyone or anything that'll sit there listening that they're going to walk everyday, or that they're going to donate money to the Salvos every week, or that they'll keep that crazy dream to live alive and kicking will stay at home, use all their money for pizza cos they're at home and not walking and donating and then kill themselves because why would they want to live? They couldn't even keep their damn New Years Resolutions. How will they survive in this crazy world?

So anyway, you know how you see ads for stuff like dental floss and they say, nine out of ten dentists recommend that you use dental floss. Or nine out of ten dentists recommend brushing your teeth twice daily. How are the one out of ten?

Ten percent of dentists reckon that you shouldn’t really bother with brushing or flossing. Brilliant. 10 percent, that’s a lot. That means that if you change dentists every time you go by the tenth go you’ll find a dentist who will suggest not brushing. That’d be weird.

“Sorry, Mr. Dentist. What are you washing my mouth out with?”
“Cola.”
“Cola?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then, that’s a bit weird.”
“Are you a dentist?”
“No.”
“Well when you become a dentist you can suggest that you floss and brush and join the rest of the followers. Nine out of ten!! Nine people out of ten are not brave enough to have a go and try something new!!”

The new year is boring already.

Celebrity Death Predicton:
Celebrity: John McCain
Method of Death: Natural causes

Sarah "Maverick" Palin
xoxo