Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Swine Flu? Fuck You!

My bear like friend found this mildly funny thing on the interwebs today so I shall share it with you, one reader, because this blog is at best average.

Terrorist Threat levels

(for those who are tired of GFC, swine flu and global warming)

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),

New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

So yeah wasn't so funny. Speaking of Swine Flu, I know a lot of you (one reader) think about this so called epidemic. I know my delicious Amber (visit her sexy blog here) has encouraged you not to freak out about it (which is so true fellaz + gurls). My beef with it is a bit cynical. Is Swine Flu even a real flu? Cos I reckon it's really suss how the Australian Government encouraged us to stock up for 2 weeks with canned food at the same time where the $900 bonus was given out. Even the news stations stated that it would be "wise to spend the bonus" on this safety precaution. My response is "fuck the fuck off". Sif we'd ever get sucked into that shit. It's general knowledge that more people die every winter from the influenza flu and these "confirmed" patients of Swine Flu have never been discussed in detail or anything.

I think it's gotten way out of hand. People are freaking out about nothing. The flu is more deadly than this so called epidemic. Just be a normal person for fuck's sake. Wash your hands. Don't sneeze on people. It's common sense. Some of you don't have it. Download it from somewhere. You can blame this on the recession. Now I'm not that cynical/that much of an arse that I'd deny that exists. It bloody does. But it ain't as bad as everyone thinks. It pisses me off cos America is the one who started this. If they had the freaking sense that low income earners can't pay home loans for houses worth over $1 million then we wouldn't be in this mess. I reckon states should be more self-reliant. I know, Realists are the most annoying theorists you could think of right? They're right up there with Neo-Liberals. If we had looked after our own economy without depending on outer states then perhaps we wouldn't be in this shit pile. Oh well, what's done is done. Obama ain't gonna do much but whatevs we can only hope for the best...

P.s watched The View today. Wanted to die. That's also another show I do not recommend you watch.

Celebrity Death Prediction: David Letterman
Method of Death: Impaled by Sarah Palin

Till the next time cookies,


1 comment:

luisa_voldemort said...

hahahahah i love you :)